Tag Archives: exercise

Making my own “weigh”

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In late 2010, at a difficult point in recovery from an eating disorder, I had a reoccurring thought: “When I lose the extra weight and reach ‘x’ pounds, I will give myself permission to go out and live.” In 2003 I began struggling with anorexia nervosa, and after years of suffering decided earlier in 2010 that I wanted to be free of my disease. At that time I started focusing more on writing a book to share my experiences, stopped biking and walking everywhere, left the gym where I was working as a personal trainer, and ended my own intense workouts with another trainer. I began to eat when I was hungry, and I allowed myself to eat the foods I craved. I reached a honeymoon phase of recovery where I felt I reached my “perfect” weight.

As I started gaining beyond my “perfect” weight, those close to me continued believing that because I weighed more, I was happy. But I was not happy! First, I still carried food phobias. Though I recognized hunger signals, and I knew what foods were best for my body, I preferred to eat the same “safe” foods out of habit because I was afraid of being judged by those around me who it seemed felt I was incapable of change without spiraling back into a full blown eating disorder. Second, I skimped on exercise, unable to find an activity that did not trigger anxiety, come off as cultish, or promote ultra thinness/strength. I was afraid to go out and eat due to reoccurring digestion problems, and only felt comfortable when I could be alone. Also, a guy who I had liked made me doubt and feel bad about myself. Finally, I began menstruating for the first time in late spring 2010, and as time progressed, my periods became painful. Regardless of what I weighed, I felt “heavy,” ashamed, and confused about the meaning of “healthy.”

Fast forward to today. The good news is, I have found new forms of exercise that allow me to celebrate my body. Working with a licensed massage therapist has helped me understand my body and feel more comfortable trusting myself, especially when it comes to exploring new foods and methods of food preparation. Furthermore, I regularly spend time educating myself about the menstrual cycle and other health topics I am interested in. I continue to care quite a bit about what I put in my mouth, but not obsessively.

Now, am I “happy” with what I weigh? No. Am I in a desperate rush to lose weight? No. Instead, I am learning not to let weight get in my way! I am not going to wait until I think I look “good enough” to go out and live. The more I engage in activities that make me feel good—walking in nature, creative writing, enjoying a good meal with friends and family, playing with animals, dancing, self-massage, teaching, etc.—the more I realize life is about so much more than weight and image. Actually, it’s about all that we hide underneath those things.

Originally written for Making Strides Towards Healthy Lives. I signed and donated books for the event held at Virginia Tech April 27, 2013. I also signed and donated books for a walk to raise awareness about eating disorders held in Washington, DC April 7, 2013.

Five tips for taking care of yourself

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#1 Make yourself feel with music

I love music. It has the potential to change my mood, take me back to a place I want to be, or help me think about the future I would like to create for myself. It is easy to get stuck listening to the same songs all the time and get in a funk. For this reason, whenever I hear a song I like on the radio, I write it down and would encourage other people to do so too. Later, I listen to this song again, and I am surprised by how inspired it makes me feel to write, move my body, or just meditate and feel.

#2 Warm your heart with an animal

I am very fortunate to have a sweet dog named Rocky. He is incredibly cute and looking at him always brings my attention to my heart. I love walking Rocky and feeding him, yes, but best of all are the times I spend with Rocky that do not involve chores. Doing so challenges me to put my work away and come back into the beauty and peacefulness of the present moment.

Do you have an animal you like spending time with at home? Next time, pay attention to the sensations in your body spending time around an animal brings up for you.

#3 Play…in the water

I do not often go to the pool, but I love taking baths. I add salts with aromatherapy oils and do gentle swimming motions in the water. Usually, I follow up by doing some self-massage. If you are more curious about self-massage, I learned the idea from an Ayurvedic practitioner, who introduced to me the concept of “Abhyanga.” Later, I did a school project in which I talked about self-massage and the role touch played in helping me heal from an eating disorder.

#4 Spend time by yourself

Sometimes relationships with other people can be draining. In order to realize which relationships in your life are more draining to you than uplifting, spend some time alone and assess. Do the people you spend time around value you for who you are? To what extent do you feel the need to uphold an image in order to be wanted?

#5 Experiment with movement

Movement can be a wonderful tool to come in touch with yourself and feel all different kinds of emotions. That said, exercise can be detrimental and dangerous—especially depending on the individual situation—when it becomes overly routine and encourages a self-defeating mentality.

My advice: Step out of your comfort zone if you want, but I prefer to shift the focus to getting comfortable moving whenever/wherever…no matter the zone! One of my favorite things to do is dance in my room to music when nobody is looking. I prefer to move throughout the day rather than pressure myself to “get it all in” in a short period of time.